Thank You, Universe!

The last time I posted, I was bemoaning the pressure and feelings of utter aloneness that I've been feeling lately vis-a-vis the whole baby thing. I guess the universe heard me because I have been given some affirmation since then.

First, my husband told me that I should really think about my non-desire for children. He asked me a few very interesting questions. One, he asked if it's possible that my non-desire is a reaction against the pressure I've been feeling? Two, he asked if I could be transplanted somewhere away from society and its annoyances, would I still feel no desire for children, or would I find that I actually do want them at some point in the future? My knee-jerk response was to say that my feelings are real and that I wouldn't want children, even if I were transplanted to a desert island with no one to tell me that I'm some kind of freak for not wanting them. He rolled his eyes and told me to give it some thought, which I've been doing on and off. It's tough, though, because I can't go to that desert island to think it over. I'm stuck here in the middle of society with all these people that seem to think it's my duty as a woman to bear fruit. I'm leaning toward my original knee-jerk reaction, but I'm willing to say that I at least don't want them NOW. I could see me wanting them 5, 10, 15 years down the road, but I'm not ready yet.

The next thing that happened to me is that I talked to a relative who could completely sympathize. It was really nice! She told me that when she was with her ex, he and his family pressured her all the time to have kids. Their friends told them that they should have kids. But, she decided that for her, she enjoys her freedom. She told me that it was important to her to get an education, and she has not had the desire to have children. She also told me that she has thought about the "will I regret it on my deathbed" dilemma, and she decided that, no, she would not because she lived the life she chose and she's happy with it. I got off the phone with her feeling very relaxed and at ease.

The last thing that happened came by way of a blog that I enjoy. Someone asked her how to handle the "when are you getting pregnant" question, to which she responded, basically, "get used to people being jerks and minding your business instead of their own." She also had some absurd come-backs, but I won't be using any of them because most of them involved saying inappropriate things at inappropriate times, and I don't need any help in that area.

So, thank you, universe, for sending me some reassurance. I'm not all that alone, and I'm not a freak. You have no idea how much better I feel!

Baby Mania

The issue of whether or not to have children is on my mind. Still. I try to stop thinking about it, but every so often it creeps back into my brain because yet another person my age is having a baby. It freaks me out because I don't have that desire. I look at my pregnant friends and my friends with children, and I wonder if I'll ever want that life. And, if I decide I don't, will I regret it? Will I look back on my life at 50-something and think that the only thing I regret is not having any children? Will I be content to live with my husband and our pets and our memories for the rest of my life, without having experienced the "joys of motherhood?" I don't know, and the not knowing is hard. What makes it harder is that society expects me to want children. Society tells me that the next logical step in the progression of my life is pregnancy. It makes me want to run screaming for the hills, where I can drop off the grid and not have to deal with the expectations of society.

I think part of the issue is that I don't appreciating being put in a box. I've mentioned this before, but I'm offended that we even have things like "Women's Literature." If I belong in the canon as a woman, I belong in the canon. I don't want to be put in some corner because I happen to have been born with a uterus.

Along the same vein, I don't appreciate the assumption that, because of that accident of birth, I am less of a woman if I haven't been with child. Frankly, I find it insulting. I've got the same girly-bits as mothers; I just haven't put them to that use.

I'm also tired of being alone in my thoughts on children. So many women bloggers are "mommy-bloggers" that I have been hard-pressed to find many that are childless and funny and thoughtful and thought-provoking. I feel left out of some clique, which makes me feel like I'm back in junior high. It's a frustrating, uncomfortable feeling. Like I'm not cool enough to sit at the same table as everyone else.

Let the Rain Come Down....

I'm turning 29 on Sunday. Usually, my birthday is my favorite day of the year. It's all about me! No ordinary day is all about me! This year, I'm just sad. I don't care one way or the other if it even happens.

I'm getting older, but I am having a very difficult time coming to terms with that fact. This is so not what I thought I would be doing right now. I pictured my "adult life" as one with advanced degrees and children. I've got neither. I'm too lazy for the former and ambivalent to negative about the latter.

The truth is I'm tired of who I am. I'm tired of my life and my responsibilities. I'm tired of my laziness, my unhappiness. I'm tired of my timidity. I'm tired of everything. I'm ready for a change. I went through something similar at 25, so I cut all my hair off--something like 10 inches. This time, I don't think a new hair do will cut it.

I'm sick of my life, but I'm terrified to make a change.

It's Hard to be a Vector

I've not been successful so far in my "Be a Vector" challenge to myself. I thought perhaps giving myself something to focus on would motivate me to snap out of my depressive thoughts and feelings, but it's not been working so far. I know, it's only been a week, but I'm impatient. I want to be a vector NOW. I don't want to have to work at it! That's not how things are supposed to work, right?

I also have a confession about all this vector stuff. We had to learn vectors in my high school physics class, and they vexed me to no end. I mean, I just could not understand them! And, so, I grew to hate them. I hate having to calculate a vector, but I like the idea of being a vector, in a metaphorical sense - movement and direction are something I'd like in my personal and professional lives. I have one of these "what am I doing and where am I going" crises every few years. A lot of it has to do with my gross indecisiveness. I just don't know what I want out of life. I know I don't want this.

In any case, being a vector is tricky, and it's going to be a lot of hard work. I think I need to take more of a zen approach to it, though. I'm too high-strung a lot of the time, and that's another issue that needs work. My husband keeps telling me, "Let's be more Springdale" or "Let's be more Hawaii", trying to get me to take a more laid-back approach to life. It's hard for me, though. I like being in control. I like having things just so. It's the OCD-trending control-freak in me.

I'm working on the OCD, though. I used to be really germ-phobic, but I've gotten a lot better. I'll go barefoot in my own bathroom, now. For years, I wouldn't step on linoleum without some sort of slipper or flip-flop on my foot. (I have a thing about my feet.) That's a big step forward for me! And, I'm trying really hard to keep my mouth shut in the car, which my husband appreciates. (I am a really bad passenger-seat driver, and I'm constantly telling him where to park and which lane to be in, and it drives him crazy.)

These ODC tendencies are another reason for me to at least put off having children. I mean, if I have kids, I could get out of control with the germ stuff. I don't want to be one of those mothers, so I'm trying to get it to a more reasonable level so that if we do decide to have kids, I won't be insane with the antibacterial wipes and gel and handwashing every six seconds. Kids need to roll around in the dirt and be exposed to things in order to build up their immune systems, and I don't want to be the mom with the hermetically sealed kid.

Be a Vector!

So, yesterday I was feeling rudderless, out of place, useless. I'm feeling better about things today. Mostly thanks to my Uncle S. who had the following thing to say about it:

"Rudderless, Schmudderless. Sometimes direction is less important than movement."

Is that not a great thought?!

So, my new goal for the year is to be a vector. Because, apparently, a vector is a direction AND a movement, so if I'm a vector, I have both bases covered.

Rudderless

It's a weird day today. I'm feeling a little rudderless, like I don't really know where to begin or where I'm going. I've got a lot to do, but not a lot of motivation, direction, or purpose today. Part of the problem is that my boss is down working with a vendor for the next couple of weeks, and I'm used to being able to go in and talk to her whenever I need to. I don't really have anything much to say, just that it would be nice to have somewhere to go other than my office.

Another piece of the puzzle here is that I have been feeling a little depressed lately. I just want to go back home and go to bed for several days. I know my cats won't mind, but that kind of behavior is not exactly conducive to keeping one's job. I know I'll pull out of this eventually, but it's really hard while I'm going through it.

It's just one of those weird days where I don't feel like doing much and probably should have stayed home from work. I felt okay about coming to work this morning, but now that I'm here, I don't feel as good about it. It will be interesting to see how the rest of these two weeks goes.

Anniversary

Today is my 4-month wedding anniversary. It's a little hard to believe that I've been a wife for a whole 4 months. In many ways, it seems like it's been much longer. Since we have been living together for nearly 6 years, it's still sort of strange to think about us actually being legally bound to each other. On the other hand, it doesn't seem like it's been 4 months since that perfect beautiful day on the beach. Hawaii and our wedding seem so much like a dream to me now.

I'm rather surprised that my family has shown the amount of restraint that they have. I would have expected to have been asked about pregnancy and children by now. Of course, not going to OH for Christmas probably made a difference. It's sort of hard to ask someone that question from a distance, I would imagine. But, it is what's "next," right? I mean, we've been married a whole 4 months--I should be pregnant by now. I have yet to hear that question, and I'm kind of glad because I don't know how kind or civil my response will be when the time comes.

I don't know if it's my status as oldest child or what, but I just don't feel like having children at all, let alone so soon after our wedding. I've always said that if it's something that we decide we want to do, I want to be married for at least 2 years before we even start to try to get pregnant. But, really? I don't feel inclined toward children. Like, at all. I see pregnant women, and I am happy for them, but that's about it. I don't get that twinge society tells me I should have. I hold a baby, and it's pleasant, but I don't have the urge to start popping them out. I just don't.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I know a lot of people who are pregnant right now. I've also noticed a rise in the "kid-friendly" trend relating to everything from recipes to restaurants to Las Vegas (which, seriously...I am disgusted by--you want to go to Vegas, leave the kids with grandma or wait until they move out). Sometimes, I read these "kid-friendly" recipes, and they are soooo not something any kid I've ever known would touch. If your recipe has the word "Cambodian" in the title, I doubt it's truly designed for children. I could be wrong, though. I don't know many children right now, at least not on that personal a level. I'm related to hell of a lot of them, but I don't discuss eating habit or food preferences with them. Hell, I barely talk to them when they're around.

Anyway...I know that having children is something I'm "supposed" to want. I am a woman, after all, and women all want to have children. At least that's the message I've been hearing my whole life. It's difficult because I don't know many women who feel the same way I do. Are there none out there? They don't seem to be blogging. Most of the blogs by women (that I've found, anyway) are "mommy blogs." I'm so glad that they have a forum for expression and for getting in touch with other mothers for advice and support, but where are the funny non-mommies? Where are the thoughtful childless? Are those of us who haven't had children less inclined toward creativity and self-expression than our more procreative counterparts? What's the deal? Am I all alone?

Really, it's funny, this aversion, because I like kids. I have fun with children, and I love babies. I love to hold them and play funny little games that make them laugh. I would be content to be the fun aunt. So, my non-desire for children doesn't stem from a hatred of them or anything like that. I just enjoy my freedom. I don't want to bring another human being into the world if I don't want or feel ready for the responsibility of caring for him or her. If that makes me selfish, then so be it. I'm just not ready. I may never be.